BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
