i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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