I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
