Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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