Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
