the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
