I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
