you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
