I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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