Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
