we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize