I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Randomize
