It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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