I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
