FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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