Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
