if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
