My girlfriend figured out who you are.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
