I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
