To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
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hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
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MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings