I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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