this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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