the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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