wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
