Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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