I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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