A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
