I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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