Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
