God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
