just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
