Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
