Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
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You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.