Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
