I can feel you judging me through the phone.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
