he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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