i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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