Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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