Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
