Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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