im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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