11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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