I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
