Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
