Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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