When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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