You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
