Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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