Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
