something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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