I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
