I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
