Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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