You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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